He Wears the Cape

I’m a dreamer. A wisher. A thinker.

There’s never a moment when my mind isn’t running, whether it’s about something happening now or in the future.

I want to travel the world.

I want to be the girl in the classic love story.

I want to be a leader, a wife, a mother and a best friend.

I want to be the voice for the mute, the eyes for the blind, and the hands for the disabled.

I want to save the world and refuse to believe otherwise.

But this summer I learned that I can wish, dream, and think all I want, but it’s impossible to save the world.

Two summers ago when I found myself face down on my bedroom floor praying for the Lord to break my heart for what breaks His, I didn’t expect it to happen so quickly. It was a prayer that I truly meant but didn’t realize what all it would entail.

I started crying over just about anything.

It was ridiculous.

Most of you know that I originally wasn’t too thrilled about the Lord calling me to serve in the baby hospital this summer. But once again, God showed His faithfulness by hearing my cries and gave me peace about being there a few weeks before we flew out.

I knew being here would be hard. I knew I would cry a lot, get angry, and face emotions that I never wanted to.

I knew my heart would break even more than it already was, which was the last thing I wanted.

And that’s exactly what happened.

After the first day, I had already become attached to the babies. By week two, I was fuming with anger at the nurses, some of the American team members, and the Lord.

It isn’t fair. These babies don’t deserve the life they have. They don’t deserve to have the past that they do.

They deserve love, homes, and kisses every day.

By the fourth week, I was consistently crying out to the Lord in ways I never had before. I was begging for strength to surrender my desires and obey His. I was crying for something to change in the babies’ lives.

By the sixth week, I was ready to be home. I was emotionally and spiritually drained. I had enough of crying out to Him, enough of being in a depressing environment and enough of feeling like my work was getting the babies nowhere.

I’m sure you’ve experienced times when you felt like nothing was progressing, like you were giving everything you had to move forward yet it seemed like you were taking steps backwards instead.

That’s what my summer felt like.

This last week, I struggled with bitterness. I cried out to God asking Him why He brought me here if it wasn’t going to change the outcome of the babies’ lives.

I felt like a Band-Aid over the sore of a Leper. I might be helping it for a moment, but I’m not healing anything.

God, why did You bring me here if I did nothing? These babies would be where they are even if I didn’t come. Couldn’t I have served somewhere else? Or if nothing else, shouldn’t I have changed at least one life?

Yesterday morning, He answered.

I didn’t come here to save the world. I didn’t come here to radically change lives.

I came here to love others, even if it was only for a few moments.

It’s impossible for me to change lives on my own. It’s not my job to save, it’s God’s.

Only He has the power to fully heal and His perfect healing will happen in His time.

I might not have made a radical improvement in the lives of the babies this summer, but I did show them love that they might not have otherwise received.

I’ve been able to hold some of the most precious and fragile of lives in my hands.

Lives that have forever been tattooed on my broken heart.

My broken heart that is being healed. My selfish heart that is being humbled. My tainted heart that is being made pure.

I don’t know what the point of this summer was and I know it will take some time to process it all. My mind still feels like it’s in a blender with no chance of being turned off anytime soon.

I’m still a dreamer, a wisher, and a thinker.

But I’m realizing that while I wish to save the world, I can’t save it all. I can only love on those the Lord places in front of me and bring Him glory with the strength He gives me.

All His ways are good, all His ways are pure.

Amen.

"I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world." John 16:33