Hello, My Name is Judas.

Last night, I attended an IF:Pray event at one of the local churches here in Tyler.

 To be completely honest, I was on the verge of skipping it so I could go to the oh so classy East Texas State Fair with some friends from bible study.

I tried justifying it by saying I would be with a good group of people who love Jesus.

Needless to say, He wasn’t convinced.

It’s been a little slow getting back into my prayer life since being home.

I’ve been casually praying for Jesus to light a fire in my soul, to pick me back up and shove me on my way to being an obedient daughter. 

And by casually, I mean I’ll mention it because I feel like it’s the right thing to say, but my heart doesn’t really yearn for the fire to be lit. Not just yet, anyways.

I mean, from society’s standards, I’m living a relatively “Christian” life.

I haven’t had a sip of alcohol in over 15 ½ months. Yay! Pat yourself on the back!

I am no longer spending time in meaningless and unhealthy relationships. Shoot, I can’t even
remember the last time I’ve been on a date. Now THAT deserves some chocolate considering your flavorful dating history, missy.

I am a little over 3 years recovered from an awful eating disorder that controlled my life for way too long. Ok, no chocolate. Maybe some fruit.

And majority of my days are spent teaching Sunday school, helping out with youth group bible study, being a part of a bible study, babysitting, doing some sort of community service project, searching for a new mission trip or anything else that keeps me from breaking any of the Ten Commandments. Whoa, Haley! You sure have changed since your undergrad years of partying, drinking, and too many other unmentionables. Let’s shout to the WHOLE WORLD so you can get recognition for how much you’ve changed!

Ever since I found myself on my bedroom floor crying out to Jesus two and a half years ago, my life has taken a turn for the better. You see, even though it was hard to find new friends, stop drinking, and avoid specific relationships, in the big scheme of things, they were tangible changes that were relatively easy to do when I finally put my mind to it.

Throughout the evening last night, two girls sang a few worship songs to break up the calls to pray. They were about to sing "Oceans" by Hillsong when one of the girls mentioned something similar to a blog I read earlier last week:

“Don’t sing the words until you mean them. They’re easy to sing, easy to want to feel, but please don’t sing them until you mean the words, knowing full well what they could entail.”

If you haven’t heard the song before, I highly recommend listening to it. The song is powerful. The first time I heard it, I had my hands up and my praising Jesus swagger going on. Oh yes, Jesus! You go ahead and call me out on that water! Better believe I’ll go where my trust doesn’t have any borders. You know I’m calling upon that name of Yours, Jesus!

But last night something was different.

I couldn’t find the strength to sing the words. I couldn’t even fake it.

The song was almost over before I could muster the words, “Spirit lead me…” and even then I had a hard time finishing the song.

The depravity of my sin had hit me.

Oh, how I have so wanted to go where my trust doesn’t have any borders, to call upon His name and feel His fingers wrapped around mine.

Yes, I have wanted to be all-consumed by Him.

But I haven’t.

I’ve definitely talked about it. I’ve boasted more than a million times about how good our Lord is. I can’t even begin to count how many times I’ve said, “I’m trusting Jesus on this one.”

But have I, really?

Last night, I felt the heaviness of the “no.”

I’ve been struggling with the whole “abide in Me” aspect of the relationship.

Mr. Webster translates abide to mean: to accept or bear; to stay or live somewhere; to remain or continue.

I’m going to go out on a limb and say all of those apply to our relationship with Jesus.

But I want to focus on the “stay or live somewhere” part.

To stay in Jesus. To live in Jesus.

How in the world am I supposed to live in Jesus?? That’s impossible.

Or is it?

You see, I’m the type of girl who loves big productions. I hate to say it, but I’m a sucker for the big proposals. I absolutely love listening to missionaries who are overseas in the most forbidden land, constantly dealing with physical and verbal persecution. I am all about radical life transformations; you know, the kind that everyone notices and comments on.

Unfortunately, my preference of big productions spills over into my relationship with Jesus. I only want to trust Him in big things, like going to Romania or grieving the loss of my nephew.

Not the little things like deciding between looking at Facebook or spending time in His Word, asking a coworker if they know Jesus, deciding between watching a football game or investing in a teenager who needs a mentor.

If I can’t trust Him in the little, everyday things, how in the world am I supposed to sustain trust in Him during the big storms? Sure, I can make it through the first day, but what if persecution lasts for years? Will the strength of my trust and faith in Him be strong enough to get me through?

When I started focusing on the word “abide” and what it means, I realized that I’ve been using Jesus like an amusement park.

I go to an amusement park occasionally, get a huge rush, possibly eat too much, and then head home to tell everyone about all the crazy rides I went on.

The same happens with Jesus.

I go to Him when I need something big, I do a little mission work here and there or decide to cut out drinking, and then brag to all my friends and family about what all Jesus did.

Then it’s back to everyday life.

Abide: to stay or live somewhere.

I’ve been spending my days thinking there’s nothing I should be praying hard about because there’s nothing big going on in my life.

I mean, looking at my day… it’s pretty dull.

But every time I choose to look at social media rather than spend time in the Word, I’m spitting in Jesus’ face. Each time I stifle the urge to tell my coworker about Jesus, I’m denying who He is. When I ignore the buzzing in my ear to stay quiet and instead try my hardest to be funny to get the laughs of everyone, I’m telling Jesus that He isn’t good enough for me.

I am Peter. I am Judas. I am the rich, young ruler. I am everyone who decided that Jesus was a sinner and deserved to die on the cross.

Heavenly Father, please forgive me. I have done everything but trust in You. Holy Spirit, fill my heart and my life with all that You are. I’m scared. I don’t know what it means to abide in You, Jesus, but oh how I so desire to. My flesh continues to fight against Your words, my mind is filled with demons who are trying to keep me from You. Father, cultivate my fallow heart. Pull the weeds and thorns that have been entangling Your Word from reaching me. Jesus, the little things are just as, if not more, important than the big things. I pray that You fill me with the strength to stay in Your House and not leave the shelter that only You provide. Jesus, protect those who are facing persecution right now. Remind them that You know exactly how they feel; they aren’t alone. Oh Father, in Your precious name, I ask that you continue to bring forth the sins of my heart and wash them away. Let my life glorify You and only You because You are more than worthy, more than deserving. You are God and You are good. Forgive me for believing anything else.