Saving Sober

I wish I could tell you I had a radical experience, the second greatest revelation in history, or a life changing intervention.

But I can’t.

I wish I could say that the few bottles of Coors I chugged a couple of days before leaving for Romania two summers ago were intended to be my last.

But they weren’t.

What I really wish, more than anything, is that future Haley would have slapped that bottle of Smirnoff out of past Haley’s hands my sophomore year in high school, then scolded her until past Haley realized that she should never touch alcohol again.

But I didn’t.

I grew up in a household where my dad never drank and my mom had an occasional sip once in a blue moon whenever my sister and I weren’t around. I distinctly remember saying in junior high, “ewww beer looks and smells like horse pee! I’ll never drink because it’s dumb.”

STUPID HALEY. YOU SHOULD HAVE HAD THAT TATTOOED ON YOUR HAND. (The sticky kind that can be washed off, of course, because I don’t need that reminder today.)

I am 100% my father’s daughter. I can’t count the number of times he would tell me, “You have an addictive personality just like me. Be careful.” I remember him telling me the story of why he doesn’t touch alcohol and why I shouldn’t either.

But I’ve always been the wild child, the independent one, the one who had to be spanked at least once a day because I couldn’t simply listen to advice but had to test EVERY LITTLE THING to make sure my parents meant what they said.

It started with an occasional sip here and there with “friends” in high school. Then it turned into trying to keep up with the guys- because that’s the cool thing to do, right?? Once college hit, it turned into the only way to have fun. Dating an alcoholic for a year and a half didn't help the situation, either.

By the time I turned 21, I was that drunk girl.

You know the kind.

I was also the one who would go from happy to ridiculously pissed off in .001 seconds, and then remain pissed off for the rest of the night.

I was no longer a fun girl to be around when alcohol was involved.  

I would literally turn into someone completely different, (I had about 20 million people tell me this, so it’s true).

     Seriously?? And I thought I was cute. BLESS MY HEART.

When I moved to Tyler, I made the decision to start following Jesus more than I had been before. I also had a desire to start controlling my drinking. I would tell myself, “a few drinks here and there is fine. Jesus turned water into wine, right?”

Silly Haley, didn't you know that you couldn't have just one?

In May 2013, I made my final idiotic mistake. It ate me up inside for the following days and still haunts me if I let it.  

After that, a few days before leaving for Romania for the first time, we went dancing. I had a few beers but it just wasn't the same.

Guilt plagued me.

This wasn't the first time I felt guilty after drinking, just the first time that something just didn't feel right. I know now that it was the Holy Spirit slapping me in the face. 

Mid-summer, I started to realize that I could have fun without alcohol.

Not only that, but the other interns I was surrounded by hardly drank and they were surviving just fine. I didn't think this was possible at one classy point in my life.

I wanted a love for Jesus like they had.

I wanted to live wholeheartedly for Him, all the time, not just when it was convenient.

That’s when I decided to not drink again.

When I came home in August, I was two months sober, which was the longest I had gone without alcohol since I was 16.

Today, I am 18 months sober and happier than I have ever been. WHO’DA THUNK??

Back to the wishing:

I wish I could say I was never tempted again because Jesus had such a hold on my heart.

But temptation was, and still is, everywhere.

I wish I could say I never had the thought of, “if I go home and get drunk, the hurt will go away. I’m by myself, no one will know.”

But the thought crossed my mind more times than I can count.

There’s a lot of things I wish when it comes to alcohol.

But, 18 months later, there are quite a few things more that I KNOW:

I know that life is much more enjoyable without hangovers, apologies for the decisions I made, and the felt “need” to have to drink in order to relieve stress, heartaches, or headaches.

I know that the group of friends I have now are more supportive than I deserve and, get this, they LOVE me even though I don’t drink! WHAT.

I know that I find myself randomly laughing simply because life is good. SO STINKING GOOD.

I know that I wouldn't have scored the catch of a man I call my boyfriend because let’s be real, he’s way too fabulous for Jesus to have placed him in my life any sooner. Jesus needed over two years of redeeming and restoring my heart before finally throwing the man of my dreams at me.

I mean look at us. HASHTAG TOTES PRESH.

And I KNOW, without a doubt in my mind, that Christ has the power to forgive all of our sins, heal all our diseases, redeem our lives from the pit and crown us with love and compassion, (Psalm 103-2-4). You need only faith the size of a mustard seed to move mountains. And THAT, my friends, is the power of faith in Jesus Christ. 

On the nights when I felt an overwhelming desire to drink, the Lord overwhelmed me even more with the truth that He is enough.

When I was persecuted by old friends for not drinking, He kept my feet on the rock and wouldn’t let me be shaken.

During the days when my past haunted me, and sometimes it still does, He reminds me that I am washed white as snow.

A chain that once held me down for years has been broken by the power of our Savior, Jesus Christ.

I am forgiven.

I am redeemed.

I am free.

Oh precious Heavenly Father, I’m in awe of who You are. Your grace and mercies never fail. You tell us that your love and compassions are made new each morning. Thank you for this truth, for reminding us that You will never leave us, never give up on us. Praise you for pulling my life from the pit and for having the power to pull ANYONE’S life from the darkest depths if only they trust in Your Son. Lord, You are good. So incredibly good. Praise You for Your love and forgive us when we fail You. In Your beautiful name, amen.

"He drew me up from the pit of destruction, out of the miry bog, and set my feet upon a rock, making my steps secure." Psalm 40:2