First Week Home

A week ago, I was sitting on a plane wondering if we were ever going to take off. What started off as a 10-minute delay quickly turned into a 3-hour delay. I was anxious. Not about safety, but about being home. What will it be like without my babies? When will it hit me that I'm finally home?
I had every intention of starting to process the summer on the 9-hour flight home. But the only thing I could find the strength to do was stare at the seat in front of me as music played in my ear.
My mind couldn't think.
My hand couldn't write.
I barely had enough strength to answer the guy sitting next to me when he would ask me questions.
I couldn't decide if I was ready to be home or not. Of course I wanted to be with my family, but it didn't seem real that I was leaving my babies for good.
When we finally landed in Houston, it took all of my strength not to plow down everyone in front of me. I knew my sister would be waiting for me next to my parents; my eyes filled with tears numerous times on the flight home just thinking about wrapping my arms around her.
I exited the baggage claim and busted through the doors. Emotions overwhelmed me as I saw my family waiting for me.
I was finally home.
That night when I walked through the door, I saw pictures that I had emailed printed out and framed on a beautiful hand-made picture frame. That's when it hit me.
I broke down.
What seemed like hours later, I finally calmed down and Dad loosened his grip on me.
It didn't seem real.
I couldn't be home.
Not this soon.
Friday and Saturday are still a blur. Words were hard to get out of my mouth and the slightest thought of my babies caused me break down.
I felt like a zombie, constantly staring into space and unable to pay attention to the people around me.
Sunday morning, I had the opportunity to talk about my summer in my parent's Sunday school. I was a mess. Bless their hearts, I'm pretty sure I barely made sense since I still hadn't processed all of the summer.
The amount of support was overwhelming. They prayed over me after I talked and I can't even count how many tight hugs I received that morning.
I was a walking basket case. During the worship service, Dad put his arm around me and I bawled like a baby.
By Sunday afternoon, I was exhausted. Emotionally, spiritually, physically. But somehow The Lord gave me the strength to get through a dinner with some dear friends without breaking down.
Luckily most of the tears have stopped.
Well, I'm not so fragile anyways.
I'm still having a hard time getting through the days, however. I don't want to be alone, but I don't want to talk. My patience is slim and my temper is short. My sarcasm is at an all time high and I'm finding it easier to not say anything at all since most of my responses are blunt and honest.
It's been difficult for me to get into the Word and take time to journal. It feels like I used so much energy and strength during the summer that my mind is trying to recover. I'm praying for Jesus to revive my soul and mind these last few days before school starts.
I'm thankful for the summer and all The Lord taught me. He showed me how to love without reservation and what it means to surrender everything I have. I will forever cherish the memories with my babies and I'm confident that The Lord has big plans for them.
I want to thank everyone again for all the support and prayers. I know that the emotions I'm feeling now are temporary and that the next few weeks will bring healing and peace, it's just hard to truly feel it when my heart feels like it's in pieces.
Please don't hesitate to call, text, or message me if you want to know more about my summer. It helps me process and I truly enjoy telling others about my babies and how good our Savior is.
Thank you again for joining me on another summer journey. I can't wait to see what The Lord has in store.
And I promise that my next blog won't be so boring and deep. Funny Haley will return shortly.

He Wears the Cape

I’m a dreamer. A wisher. A thinker.

There’s never a moment when my mind isn’t running, whether it’s about something happening now or in the future.

I want to travel the world.

I want to be the girl in the classic love story.

I want to be a leader, a wife, a mother and a best friend.

I want to be the voice for the mute, the eyes for the blind, and the hands for the disabled.

I want to save the world and refuse to believe otherwise.

But this summer I learned that I can wish, dream, and think all I want, but it’s impossible to save the world.

Two summers ago when I found myself face down on my bedroom floor praying for the Lord to break my heart for what breaks His, I didn’t expect it to happen so quickly. It was a prayer that I truly meant but didn’t realize what all it would entail.

I started crying over just about anything.

It was ridiculous.

Most of you know that I originally wasn’t too thrilled about the Lord calling me to serve in the baby hospital this summer. But once again, God showed His faithfulness by hearing my cries and gave me peace about being there a few weeks before we flew out.

I knew being here would be hard. I knew I would cry a lot, get angry, and face emotions that I never wanted to.

I knew my heart would break even more than it already was, which was the last thing I wanted.

And that’s exactly what happened.

After the first day, I had already become attached to the babies. By week two, I was fuming with anger at the nurses, some of the American team members, and the Lord.

It isn’t fair. These babies don’t deserve the life they have. They don’t deserve to have the past that they do.

They deserve love, homes, and kisses every day.

By the fourth week, I was consistently crying out to the Lord in ways I never had before. I was begging for strength to surrender my desires and obey His. I was crying for something to change in the babies’ lives.

By the sixth week, I was ready to be home. I was emotionally and spiritually drained. I had enough of crying out to Him, enough of being in a depressing environment and enough of feeling like my work was getting the babies nowhere.

I’m sure you’ve experienced times when you felt like nothing was progressing, like you were giving everything you had to move forward yet it seemed like you were taking steps backwards instead.

That’s what my summer felt like.

This last week, I struggled with bitterness. I cried out to God asking Him why He brought me here if it wasn’t going to change the outcome of the babies’ lives.

I felt like a Band-Aid over the sore of a Leper. I might be helping it for a moment, but I’m not healing anything.

God, why did You bring me here if I did nothing? These babies would be where they are even if I didn’t come. Couldn’t I have served somewhere else? Or if nothing else, shouldn’t I have changed at least one life?

Yesterday morning, He answered.

I didn’t come here to save the world. I didn’t come here to radically change lives.

I came here to love others, even if it was only for a few moments.

It’s impossible for me to change lives on my own. It’s not my job to save, it’s God’s.

Only He has the power to fully heal and His perfect healing will happen in His time.

I might not have made a radical improvement in the lives of the babies this summer, but I did show them love that they might not have otherwise received.

I’ve been able to hold some of the most precious and fragile of lives in my hands.

Lives that have forever been tattooed on my broken heart.

My broken heart that is being healed. My selfish heart that is being humbled. My tainted heart that is being made pure.

I don’t know what the point of this summer was and I know it will take some time to process it all. My mind still feels like it’s in a blender with no chance of being turned off anytime soon.

I’m still a dreamer, a wisher, and a thinker.

But I’m realizing that while I wish to save the world, I can’t save it all. I can only love on those the Lord places in front of me and bring Him glory with the strength He gives me.

All His ways are good, all His ways are pure.

Amen.

"I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world." John 16:33