Voice Like Beyonce, Heart Like Peter

There’s this little boy at the hospital who, for privacy reasons, we will call Fred.

Fred is the sweetest.

He showed up Monday morning for probably the millionth time in his short 3-year lifetime.

If you know me, you know that I’m a sucker for boys. I would MUCH rather be a mom to boys than girls, mainly because I don’t want to have to deal with a mini-me.

I was awful.

So naturally, when another little boy shows up at the hospital with the biggest blue puppydog eyes, I fall in love.

The thing about Fred is that he has a few issues developmentally, cognitively, socially, etc.

Basically, he’s a bit awkward.

It’s obvious we were meant to be.

Except when Fred gets upset, he likes to scream.

If Fred ain’t happy, ain’t nobody happy because our ears are degenerating due to the pitch and volume of Fred’s screams.

It’s been a long week with little Fred. I started working with him Wednesday morning and I feel like a year has passed in just a few days. I’m almost positive that I have had about ten gray hairs pop out.

One thing that has made it so difficult is that I know many causes to his issues; it’s what I have been studying for the past six years. But actually applying that knowledge is a completely different thing.

Textbooks don’t prepare you for tantrums, smelly hospitals, and adorable little babies that age you ten years in ten minutes.

Friday morning I spent about 30 minutes with Fred in the little “park” that is in the hospital. Both he and I were getting pretty overwhelmed with the amount of people in one little room, so we decided to take a breath of fresh air and spend some quality alone time together.  

One thing I forgot is how sensitive little Fred is to change. Take Fred out of the crib and into a room, he gets upset. Take away a toy he has become attached to, he screams. Change up any little bitty thing that he gets used to and he becomes upset.

I don’t blame him; the little guy has had a rough few years so naturally sensitivity issues develop.

It took about 25 of those 30 minutes to walk around a space the size of a classroom. I was holding him as we would go up to each object in the area, knocking on the wood or poles that we passed. He needed to check out every little space before he was comfortable enough to be put down. The moment he became a little upset, the process started all over again. As we were walking, I was singing to him.

Singing to the babies is my go-to comfort move. In my mind, I feel like my voice can be rather soothing, especially if I simply hum the lyrics. I have put the babies to sleep many times with my Beyoncé-like humming.

The only problem is that my playlist is only about 3 songs long: You’ll Be in My Heart by Phil Collins; Jesus, Lover of My Soul by any Christian artist; and Hinta, Hinta (more than likely, almost definitely the wrong spelling), which is Romanian for “swing” and it’s my own song that I’ve made up.

It goes something like this:

            Hiiiiiiinta, hiiiiinta! La la la!!
            Hiiiinta, hiiiiinta. Ba ba ba.

Fascinating, right?? I know, I know. It’s really stinking annoying. But for some reason, it’s my go-to song.

I even find myself rocking and humming it when I’m waiting at the bus stop. Or brushing my teeth. Or anything else that I do when I’m awake.

I’ve been reflecting over my time with Fred and thinking of different activities that we could do with him to gain trust and encourage development. I’ve been thinking about what is going on in his environment when he starts screaming or crying to see if it is anything that I am doing or if it’s just the only reaction he knows.

Then it hit me: what if it’s my singing?!?!

I mean, think about it.

You’re a little boy with a bad past and a little American girl comes in, picks you up, starts giving you kisses everywhere and immediately starts singing a song with a few simple words over and over and over and over again.

I’m probably only adding to the trauma.

Bless his heart.

I feel like if he or any of the other babies could talk, they would be screaming at me to shut up.

Maybe that’s why none of the babies are making progress with speech or vocal sounds: the Lord is sparing me from really hurtful words.

Gosh, God’s mercy is so wonderful!

Another thing I have realized this week is how much I am like Peter.

In John, we see Peter upset at the idea of Jesus washing his feet. When Jesus tells him, “unless I wash you, you have no part with me,” Peter immediately wants his entire body to be washed.

I’m not a scholar about the Bible, but what I gather from this is that Peter so desperately wanted his entire self to be like Jesus, not just a part.

Oh, so washing my feet makes me a part of you?? I want more than just Your feet Jesus. Don’t just make me partially like You. Wash all of me so I can have all of You!

How true does that ring with you?

When I read or hear what it takes to be like Jesus, to be in relationship with Him, I immediately jump to do it all.

God, make me like You right now! I don’t want to just believe in You, I want to talk like You, act like You, heal people like You, change lives like You. I want You and to be exactly like You!

Wow. Think about if He actually answered that prayer in the timing we had. We wouldn’t be able to handle it.

Instead, He takes us in His arms and slowly introduces us to life with Him. He slowly transforms our hearts, sometimes taking it slower or faster, depending on what He feels like we can handle.

If God changed me to be just like Him all at once, how would I learn to trust Him? Depend on Him?

The only way He is going to make me just like Him is the moment He brings me Home for good.

This next week might go painfully slow with Fred, but I’m confident that if we continue to slowly introduce him into normal life,  he will grow and become the little boy that Jesus wants him to be.

I’m also sure that Jesus is slowly introducing me into more of who He is so I can grow and become the daughter that He needs me to be.....

……even if one of my qualities is annoying little Romanian babies with the same obnoxious lullaby over and over again.

"Being confident of this, he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Jesus Christ." Philippians 1:6

God, thank You for all that You are. Thank You for taking Your time with us, because You know exactly what we can handle at the time we need it. Father, continue to guide our lives. Keep Your safe arms around us in this scary world.