Surrendering with a Broken Heart

Surrender.

I’ve always heard this word but never really knew what it meant. Of course I remember Wiley Coyote holding up a white flag once he had been trampled, banged up and bruised a million times, but what does surrender look like for me? How and what?

August 25, 2013.

Seven months and one day ago.

Crazy how it seems like it was just yesterday that our family was blessed with a perfect little angel.

Not a day passes that I don’t think of Benjamin. Sometimes I’m curious about what he would have been like. Other times, my heart is in anguish and it seems as though the tears will never stop.

At the baby hospital last summer, I was overwhelmed with joy each time I held one of those sweet little babies knowing that in a few short months I would get to hold my first niece or nephew.

When I left Romania, my primary focus was on deciding if I wanted to go back or not. A week after landing, my focus turned to my little nephew.

Sweet little Benjamin Theodore. Oh how I long to hold you just one more time.

Surrender.

When I decided to go back to Romania, I agreed on the condition that I would not work in the baby hospital and that I would stay a camp leader. When the Lord started bringing up the idea of being a baby intern, I laughed.

Literally.

“How am I supposed to work with abandoned babies every single day when I can barely keep it together when I think of Benjamin? Lord, You really think I’m supposed to work there? I’m going to break down every single day. You really think that’s healthy? Father, I love You, but this is one amazing joke.”

Surrender.

The weeks went on and the hurt over Benjamin continued. And so did the thoughts of being a baby hospital intern.

Since August, I have often found myself on my apartment floor asking Jesus to take control over my heart.

“Show me how to surrender, Father. Here’s my life. Take it and make it Yours.”

Nothing.

No huge revelation. No fireworks to show of a changed heart.

Only constant a heartache over missing Benjamin and my continued rejection of volunteering to be a baby intern when the thought would pop up.

Surrender.

Over Spring Break, Jesus was yelling at me. For the first time it was no longer a fleeting thought but a constant command to email our “intern mom” and ask if the position had been filled.

I cried.

A lot.

“Jesus, I can’t do this. I just can’t. But You’re telling me different. You believe in me. If this is Your will, then so be it. Give me the words, give me the strength, and please, please, give me a peace about it all.”

With tears in my eyes and an uneasy stomach, I sent the email saying I would gladly fill the second spot of being a baby hospital intern if it was still open and if they felt I would be a good fit.

Side note: I’m still working on the “gladly” part.

Surrendered.

He did it. He showed me how. He showed me what. He was faithful.

Five days later, I received the confirmation email that I would be the other baby hospital intern for 2014.

Me. The girl with a broken heart. The girl who was completely against it and agreed to go back only if I DID NOT work at the baby hospital.

The emotions that preceded the email are unexplainable. Even today, I can’t help but be filled with joy at the thought of spending nine weeks with those precious little miracles.

Yes, I’m scared. Yes, I’m still very hesitant and extremely nervous.

And yes, my heart still hurts when I think of Benjamin.

But the Lord is faithful in all that He does. He showed me how to surrender and has given me an immeasurable amount of joy, peace and strength through it all. I'm so thankful because I know that this is only a minor glimpse into what He has in store for us when we reach those pearly gates. 

So what is surrender?

Surrender is to obey when we are scared. It means submitting to the Lord’s plans, even when our flesh is screaming to run away. It means giving all control to our Father because His plans are so much greater than our own.

It means laying down our lives in all that we do because Jesus laid down His life for us.

Jesus was born to die for us. He was beaten, bruised, and cursed for our sake. He carried the cross that was filled with our sin, our shame, everything evil and disgusting in us. He was hung on a cross to set us free.

 “And going a little farther, he fell on the ground and prayed that, if it were possible, the hour might pass from him. And he said, ‘Abba, Father, all things are possible for you. Remove this cup from me. Yet not what I will, but what you will.’” Mark 14:35-36

He surrendered for us. You and me. He didn’t have to. He could have easily walked away and given us all the punishment we deserve.

But he didn’t.

Lord, I am completely amazed by You in all that You have done, are doing and will do. Show me how to love like You

My white flag is raised. I am Yours.

 “And those who know your name put their trust in you, for you, O Lord, have not forsaken those who seek you.” Psalm 9:10